All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need you around

I have a headache. It's not even a bad headache - it's just one of those that kinda hurts, but it still hurts a lot.

I'm in the library right now, sitting alone in a corner. There are girls sitting to my side, quite a ways away, but I can hear them whispering and giggling. I look over every once and a while and this one brunette bitch seems to always be staring at me.

I wonder if they're talking about me...

I cut again last Thursday. I was doing really well, and I hadn't cut since the school put me on reprimand (if you don't count the scratches over X-mas break, anyway), but then I just got so mad and upset and frustrated with my boyfriend. I was also tired and stressed out and I could not think of anything else to do. No other thoughts were in my head except for the fact that I wanted to cut. So I did. It was amazing. I didn't really get a chance to enjoy it, though, because I was afraid that my roommate would walk in at any minute so I tried to stop the bleeding instead of savoring it. So now I have four nice, wide cuts on my leg. Thankfully, my roommate and I have different schedules so she's usually still asleep when I'm getting ready for class. The last thing I need is for her to tell on me again.

I had a meeting with my RD yesterday. He really is a nice guy, I suppose. The whole time I was sitting in his office, though, I was afraid he was going to say that someone recently told him they saw new cuts on my leg, but he didn't really say too much about it except to ask me how it was going and if and when I struggled with not cutting. I basically told him the truth - I just left out the new cuts on my leg. I don't really care if he knows, and I kind of want to tell him because it would be better coming from me than someone else, but I don't know what telling him would mean. I don't know if he would understand and tell me not to do it again, or if I would have to go before a judicial panel on the issue. And I can't just suddenly ask after all this time because I'm pretty sure he'd know I was asking for a reason. So I guess I'll just leave it alone.

I am thinking about turning in my razors, though. As long as I have them, there's always the chance that I'll cut again. Ever since I cut the other night, I've been thinking about it more and wondering if I could get away with it. So maybe it would be best if I just turned them in to him.

Anyway, I should probably start studying. I'm just three weeks into the semester and already I've let the work pile up. Go me.

5:36 p.m. - 2006-01-31

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

self - destruct