All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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And I need you now somehow

I sliced up my leg pretty good the other night in the shower. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so tired and stressed out and...I don't even know. I just felt like everything was building up inside me and I had to release it somehow. And it was so nice to cut, and there was so much blood. It just kept running down my leg, pretty much turning one whole side of my leg red. It was beautiful. I hadn't cut in so long, though, that I just kind of went crazy. I didn't want the blood to ever stop, so I just kept cutting more and more. Usually, my cuts are all about the same length and depth, but in the shower I just started cutting like crazy. The cuts are criss-crossing and some are small and some are big; some are deep and some are just mere scratches. I have some scars on my leg from before, and I noticed that they tend to bleed more or maybe just easier than unmarked skin. Then (and this is the part that I'm kind of ashamed of, but I'll tell it anyway) I wiped up some of the blood off my leg and rubbed it on the walls and on myself and even on my face. I was just going crazy, but it felt so good to see all the blood and be covered in blood. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I am crazy. I just wanted to cover the walls and not even rinse it off, but I knew that, if I didn't, someone would report it (there was a lot of blood - it probably would have looked like someone was murdered or something) and it's not exactly a secret to the Univeristy that I've cut in the past so of course they would know it was me. The bad/funny thing is that, on Saturday night I was thinking about cutting and I didn't want to. I really didn't. Before I still wanted to, but usually didn't because I knew I might get caught and then I would be in trouble, but on Saturday I really did not want to cut. So I told my RD and he came and I handed over all my razors. He even took my scissors. But I still had my disposable razors, so I pulled one apart yesterday and that's what I used in the shower. I'm not upset that I cut, and I don't regret it, but the only bad thing is that now I want to see more blood. I crave it. It was so beautiful running down my leg and covering my foot and turning the water red as it went down the drain...

Oh my god. Maybe I am crazy. I need help.

1:54 a.m. - 2006-03-29

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self - destruct