All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back

So, as I've said before, my boyfriend wants to start saying, "I love you." Maybe it's not really that big of a deal, and, yeah, I've been thinking about it, too, but I'm really scared. I mean, love is huge. Love is forever. How am I supposed to know if I'm going to love him forever? I know so many people who have said "I love you" and have gotten hurt. I mean, people break up, people get divorced, and love fades away.

But then again, I love spending time with him. I love that he puts up with my mood swings. I love that he's not afraid to apologize. I love that he comes and visits me on weekends when I don't go home. Does that mean I love him?

And with Christmas fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot about our relationship. I'm excited to spend Christmas with my boyfriend. I think about us someday living together. I think about us someday adopting animals. I think a lot about us "someday." And that's just not who I am. I don't even know if I ever want to get married. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not the sappy, in-love-with-love, kind of girl. If he doesn't know that, does he know me at all?

I don't even know if I believe in love and marriage. All it seems to lead to is fighting and screaming and tears and broken hearts. And I know people are going to fight, even people "in love." I know that. But does love for someone outside of your family and close friends really exist? If it does, how are you supposed to know when you've got it? How are you supposed to know when you're with "the one?"

I know no one ever said love was easy. But I do think it should be easier than this.

11:45 p.m. - 2005-12-04

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self - destruct