All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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Look for the girl with the broken smile

Wow, this summer is just flying by. So much has happened since I last wrote, or maybe it just seems like a lot. I've celebrated two birthdays, one being Liz's 19th, and the other being my 20th. For Liz's birthday, I picked her up and we drove around and smoked weed pretty much all day. We picked up a couple of friends and went back to her house where they were throwing an electric lemonade party for her. And although I didn't tell Liz, I texted just about everyone to remind them it was her birthday so they would call her. It really made her happy to talk to everyone, although her best friend from high school didn't call her. I didn't do much on my birthday, just hung out with my boyfriend, Liz, and her boyfriend. We drove around and, of course, smoked some weed. It might sound boring but it was so much fun. I didn't hear from Tegan at all, although she claims she called and sent me an email. I didn't get a call from her all day, and the email seems to have magically disappeared. I can't really blame her - we're getting along, but I don't think we are really. I'm no longer in her wedding. I didn't have the time, or maybe just the motivation, to go to her apartment, and I certainly don't have the funds to buy my own dress and all that. I can't say I really wanted to be in her wedding anyway. That might be mean, but it's the truth. I don't think I've ever really forgiven her for dumping me for her boyfriend. Oh, excuse me, fiance.

I can't believe I'm 20, though. It seems like my whole life I've waited to grow up, and now that I'm finally getting there, all I want is to be a kid again. But I guess most people feel the same way. I love my life, but I never thought it would turn out like this. I smoke weed almost every day now, I've done meth quite a few times, rolled twice, tried cocaine, and have popped pills on more occasions than I can remember. But I really and truly love my life. I might not have a lot, but I have fantastic friends and a wonderful boyfriend that I love with all my heart, and I haven't cut since late April/early May. And, although she drinks just about every day and did cocaine for about a week, Liz seems to have pulled her life back together. I finally feel at peace with myself and my life.

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.

11:45 p.m. - 2006-07-11

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self - destruct