All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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Sometimes I feel I've got to get away

Wow. I actually had a good weekend. I'm shocked :)

Let's see...on Friday, I had an appointment at the counseling center. I didn't tell anyone about it - not my roommates, not my boyfriend, not anyone except for you guys. I had to pretty much force myself to go. It's so hard for me to walk in there on my own. I'm not sure why. I guess it's because I don't think I really need to be there, and I'm just wasting everyone's time. Anyway, so I went in and sat down, and the guy told me he knew who I was because he was overseeing the woman I saw last year and she would tell him about me from time to time. I wondered what was said, but he didn't specify. He asked me why I decided to come in, and I said I didn't really know, which was true. We talked about school, and my boyfriend, and Liz, and I almost started crying at one point when I was talking about Liz. Anyway, it wasn't too horrible, and he asked if I would be in again and I said I didn't know. I'm still debating. It was nice to talk but, like I said, I don't feel I need to go and I don't want to waste anyone's time.

That night, my roommate and my suite-mate and I went to the mall. We weren't even there for two hours because we got there so late. But we went to the bookstore and to Target and picked out Halloween stuff. Then we got some Chinese food and went back to our dorm, where we stuffed our faces and watched a movie.

Saturday, my boyfriend came to visit me. He actually got there rather early - at least for him. It was around 2 or so, I'd say. We hung out in my room for a while, then went downtown and shopped around for a bit. Next we went to this fantastic park, where we walked around, occasionally stopping to kiss and grope each other :) Well, he did most of the groping, haha. Then we picked up some take-out and got back to our room around 7 and spent the rest of the night watching TV, smoking, and...well...you know.

The next day, we went back to my dorm so I could shower, and then picked up some lunch and went to another park. It was really nice to actually go out because I feel like all we ever do is just sit around and stare at the TV. We went back to my room around 3:30 and ended up falling asleep until a little before 6. When I woke up and saw what time it was (I was supposed to work at 6 and he was going to leave), I just kind of broke down. I guess it was a combination of just waking up, being stressed all week, and not wanting him to leave. I called into work and told them I'd be a little late, and suddenly tears were just streaming down my face. It wasn't like I was sobbing or anything - I was just sitting there silently with tears pouring out of my eyes. I'd stop long enough to wipe off my face and blow my nose, and then I'd be crying again. I just couldn't stop. My boyfriend just sat with me and told me it would be okay.

I don't know why, but I just seem to breakdown sometimes. The summer before my freshman year at college I had my close friends and my boyfriend over and I just started crying nonstop. Then later that year, my boyfriend was over and I began crying out of nowhere. And then, twice in the week or so before I started school this year, I just started crying and couldn't stop for two hours, literally. Of course my boyfriend was there those times, too. So he's an old pro, lol. Maybe he's the one that makes me cry ;)

Now I'm just trying to get through this week. Then I get to go home and do nothing for eight or nine days. And it's kind of bad, because I just can't make myself care about school anymore. I had three tests today, and I barely studied for any of them. I have one more on Wed., and a paper due by Thursday, but otherwise all I have to do is show up for class and work. Just four more days.

10:36 p.m. - 2006-10-09

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self - destruct