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All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abuse myself, confuse myself... So, I feel completely drained right now. My emotions have been everywhere today. I think I finally convinced myself, though, that the Tegan and Liz thing isn't that big of a deal and that I should just LET IT GO. I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he kept reassuring me that it would be okay and Liz wouldn't hate me for taking to Tegan about it. I really hope he's right. I can't cry anymore. I don't know why. My eyes welled up with tears about a thousand times today, and I was even ready to cry at times, but I just couldn't. It's weird. I really want to cut. I think that's part of the reason I haven't been sleeping well at night - I can't cry and I can't cut, so everything just stays all bottled up inside of me, whirling around and making me crazy. I know cutting would help - it always has before. There's just something soothing about the blood and the pain, as weird as that sounds. It's nice being able to let everything go with just one cut. But I guess that's the problem - I can't make just one cut. I always get carried away when I see the blood and make about a million cuts at one time. I try not to, but I can't help it. I'm pretty much a failure at everything I do, I guess. I try to keep things private about my best friend, and I end up blabbing away to someone I can't trust. I try to cry and I can't. I try to sleep and I can't. I can't even cut right. I try to make one cut, and I end up making several on each arm. I try to hide it, and the school ends up finding out and freaking. Maybe I should just give up. Yes, I know I'm being incredibly positive right now. But I just got out of the shower, and I'm all warm and clean and sleepy and everything's just kinda coming out. I'm just so...I don't know, frustrated? But I guess I'll try to go to bed and hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up in the morning. 1:14 a.m. - 2005-12-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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