All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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I can laugh all I want, inside I still am empty

Fuck this!!! I can't take it anymore!! I feel like my head is going to explode, and the pieces of my brain are going to splatter all over the walls of my tiny dorm room! I am so sick of school! Grrr. Thank god midterms are over tomorrow, and I get to go home for a whole, entire week. I really don't think I can stand going to classes for another week. I have no motivation whatsoever to study or do homework, so I'll probably have low grades but who cares? I'll spend the rest of the semester playing catch-up if I can just go home and sleep and hang out with my friends and sleep and play with my cat and, well, sleep. I can't wait to do nothing and not feel like I'm letting down the entire world. I just need some "me" time, although, with the way I'm feeling now, I probably don't need to be alone with myself.

I am so incredibly pissed off at my boyfriend. I am sick of his shit. He keeps lying to me. He told me he was going to school, but he finally told me he dropped out. He told me he was going to get a job, but I don't think he's even applied anywhere. He told me he's going to lay off the drugs, but he's been high/stoned/fucked up pretty much the whole week. I'm just sick of it. I think I deserve better, but then again I don't want to be without him. And I don't want to look like a hypocrite by telling him to stop doing drugs all the damn time because I do drugs, too, but not 24/7, and I can so "no" and he can't. I don't like him as a person when he's high. Not even when he's high on weed. But I can deal with the weed - it's the coke and the meth that are really bothering me. I'm at college, trying to make something out of my life, and it seems to me like he's just wasting his. So I think I'm going to tell him I want to take a break when I go home. Then I'll see how much he cares about me, depending on if he pulls himself together or not.

I cannot wait to go home tomorrow. I just wish I could go right now, but I have a test in philosophy...otherwise, I think I would seriously just leave right now and skip my classes tomorrow. It's not that I have anything real exciting to do, because I don't. My big plans are to read a book or two, catch up on the entries of my diaryland pals, try to get some writing done, go out a few times with my friends, and get good and drunk at some point. It's gonna be great!

6:25 p.m. - 2006-03-02

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self - destruct