All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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There's something cold and blank behind her smile

I haven't told anyone that I'm in trouble with the school for cutting. I haven't told my family, but they don't know about the cutting at all, although my sister saw some burns on my arm last Thanksgiving and asked what happened - I just made up some shit about work. I haven't told my boyfriend, but he stopped asking about the cuts and scars a long time ago when I refused to tell him what happened. I haven't even told Liz, and she's the one person I can tell anything and everything. She knows I cut, but she doesn't know how bad it really was at one point. I guess she doesn't really know anything about me anymore. I haven't told her that my boyfriend wants to start saying "I love you" but I'm scared. I haven't told her how worried I am about school. I haven't told her much of anything. I feel like she's too wrapped up in her own life to care about mine. Isn't that fucked up? To think that your best friend doesn't care about you?

It's true, though. She's changed so much. Before college, we had so much fun together. It didn't matter what we were doing or if we were drinking or smoking weed, but all of that's changed. She used to care about sports and her friends and her family, but not anymore. It seems like all she cares about now is popping pills and smoking weed. And she smokes everyday, no matter where she is. She smokes at work, in parking lots, in her car, at her friend's house...yeah, I smoke weed, too, and I don't really think it's that big of a deal, but we used to make fun of people who didn't have anything better to do than smoke weed. I'm worried about her. She takes pills without knowing what they are or what they'll do to her, she mixes pills, and she drinks alcohol with the pills. It's scary. What if something happens to her? And I feel guilty because I don't think she would have gotten this bad if I was still there. At least I could protect her and help her if something happened, but she does all this shit with people who are getting just as fucked up as she is. She told me she doesn't even care anymore what happens to her. Well, I do. She's my best friend - she's like part of my family. What if she dies? What would I do without her?

1:58 p.m. - 2005-12-01

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self - destruct