All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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A rebel from the waist down...

I don't know what to do.

I remember when we used to talk for hours on the phone; now he barely even calls at all. He would rather be with his friends than talk to me on the phone. And when he does call, which is usually once or twice a week, we talk for about 15 and then that's it. We just don't have anything to talk about. And I'm always so worried and so scared. I'm always looking for it, and I can always find signs. Maybe I'm just overly paranoid, but everything that happened just keeps replaying in my head. I thought I was over this, but I'm obviously not. I know it makes him mad that I question him, but what would he think if the situation was reversed? And, yes, I've done it, too, but not like him. He knew all along; I was kept in the dark – even lied to – for months. And I haven't done nearly as much or nearly as often as he has. I wish I could trust and believe him, but I'm not sure I can.

But on the other hand, I love him so much. I can't imagine being with everyone else. He knows (almost) everything about me, and loves me regardless. He puts up with my temper tantrums, and stays by my side no matter how hard I push him away. I don't want to be with anyone else, but how can our relationship go anywhere when I'm not even sure if I can trust him?

I'm so confused. I don't want to keep going on this way – always so sure that he's doing it again. But I don't want to live without him. If he loves me so much, why does he keep hurting me?

I'm so stressed out about this, and it's all probably for nothing. I skipped class on Thursday morning, and didn't fall asleep until at least 4:30 that night. But I managed to get up and go to my 9:30 call anyway. He came to see me on Friday, and even with him here I didn't sleep well that night either. On Saturday we kind of got into a fight over the whole not-calling thing, but then everything was semi-okay again. I haven't eaten all day today, and I didn't eat yesterday. I just haven't been hungry, but I did manage to sleep until after 1 today...although I woke up several times. I just don't know. I'm going to talk to Liz about all this over Easter Break, but that's still a week and a half away. I think I'll feel better after talking to her about it, though. She understands why I'm so afraid, and she keeps an eye on him when I'm not around. I know she wouldn't lie to me, either.

I have so much shit to do this week. A paper and a test on Thursday, and then a test on Friday, not to mention all the reading I have to do in-between for my other classes, especially Asian World. Oh, well, I suppose I'll get through...

10:11 p.m. - 2007-03-25

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self - destruct