All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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You and me will all go down in history

Liz and I were supposed to go out on Friday night. Nothing too special - we'd talked about going to a couple of places, and she'd agreed to go with me to visit my sister, but we'd probably just drive around most of the night. I was really excited because it hasn't been just me and Liz in a long time. My boyfriend is usually with us, or we're at a friend's house, or, more recently, her boyfriend was with us. We used to be together all the time, just driving around aimlessly, singing along to the radio and smoking cigarettes, knowing that nothing else mattered but where we were and what we were doing. And I had decided I was finally going to tell her about the cutting. I haven't purposely kept it from her, but I didn't want to tell her when we were fucked up or around other people.

So anyway, I finally get back home on Friday night, and I stop by her parents house to see if they know where she is and when she's going to be home. She'd gone to a wedding rehearsal, and then had went to dinner with the bridal party, which was no big deal. I talked with her parents for a while and then decided to leave, knowing she would call whenever she was done. I hadn't been home very long when the phone rang. Of course it was Liz. But what she told me wasn't that she was ready to go, or would be over in a bit. Instead she said one of her friends wanted her to stay at their house, and that her boyfriend wanted her to come with him, and that she didn't know who to do with. I was shocked, and didn't really say much. When her cell phone cut out, she didn't call back.

I was really upset. I had been looking forward to going out with her, and obviously it hadn't been any big deal to her. So I got in my car and left without telling her, but when I called her a few hours later she was out with her boyfriend. I stayed at my sister's for a while, and when Liz called and asked if I would come over, I lied and said I wouldn't be home for a long time. She was scared to be alone, though, so I told her I would but I wasn't sure what time I'd be there. Then I went to Wal-Mart and back home. I waited until a little after one in the morning to call her back and tell her I was leaving my sister's house, but she said not to worry about it because her boyfriend had ended up staying after all and I could still come over if I wanted, but she was going to sleep.

That night I turned my bathwater red.

I miss the old Liz, the one who wasn't defined by the fact that she smoked weed. The one who made fun of people who had nothing better to do than smoke everyday. The one who would rather be with me than anyone else. The one who loved going out, even if it was just to drive around. The Liz I talked to almost every single day. This new Liz is always high by the end of the night. She loves it when people refer to her as a stoner. She'd rather be with someone who has weed to share. She's sits at home most the time or at someone else's house and smokes. She hardly ever talks to me anymore unless I'm at home or if I call her first.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being jealous, but it really does hurt me. I feel like I've lost my best friend. The worst part is she didn't know it would upset me that she blew me off Friday night. I don't even think she thought twice about it.

Maybe I'm just not worth anyone's time anymore.

10:19 a.m. - 2006-04-26

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self - destruct