All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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Teenage alienation

I'm so ready to write, but I'm so ashamed at the same time.

So far my break has been pretty good. I've been fucked up a few times...fucked up is good, relaxing. I got home on the 16th and just hung out for a while. Then I got some alcohol and spent the night at my boyfriend's house. The next day I just hung out with Jack at his house. We went into town the next day and met up with Tegan. It actually wasn't so bad hanging out with her.

I didn't see Liz until, like, the 20th or the 21st. I was so glad to see her, but she's lost a lot of weight. She's always been a thin girl, but she had a bit of a pouch from the summer we spent drinking Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper every night. It's gone now. She told me so lost 20 lbs., partly because of her stomach ulcer and partly because of the meth. She looks good, though, but I hope she doesn't lose any more weight. Anyway, we went with my boyfriend to KC and got high as hell on the ride up there. We didn't really do much while we were there - we went to one store, and then we went and ate at the Golden Corral.

Now for the part I'm ashamed of. The next day, Liz, my boyfriend, and I went over to "the apartment" (three guys from high school live there together) because they were having a small party with free alcohol. On the way there, we stopped on a dirt road and I did a line of meth. I can't believe I actually did it. I always swore that I wouldn't because it's supposed to the the drug to stay away from. It actually wasn't that bad. I was drinking, though, and I think I would have liked it better if I hadn't gotten drunk/tipsy. I ended up doing a big line and smoking, like, three bowls later that night. I don't really understand what all the hype's about though - the only thing that really happened was I stayed up all night, but everyone said I was a lot more talkative. Liz and I cleaned two of the guys' bedrooms, and we hung up and put away their laundry. Then, about six of us, including Liz and I, stayed in one of the bedrooms and talked forever, mostly about sex. We stayed there all night, and didn't go home the next day until 7 or 8 pm. It was pretty fun. I took Liz home on Christmas Eve, and I haven't really seen her since then, although I've talked to her a lot on the phone.

Now for my boyfriend. I had no idea that he did meth. I mean, we talked about it alot, especially after I learned that Liz did it, and he told me over and over that he had never tried it and didn't think he would. It pissed me off so much when Liz told me that they did it at the apartments a few weeks ago. He had told her not to tell me, but she pretty much tells me everything. Anyway, on Christmas Eve I was home alone, and I had been thinking about how he had lied to me for months and I had no idea, and I got so mad and upset I went kinda crazy. I practically tore the house apart looking for a razor. I actually ended up breaking some glass, but it wasn't sharp enough. I finally found a box cutter, and it left scratches but it was very unsatisfying because there was no blood. So I ended up taking some triple C's. That night, I finally confronted my boyfriend about it, and he said that the only reason he lied about it was because he thought I'd break up with him if he told me. He apoligized, and I forgave him, and everything was fine until yesterday. Liz and her boyfriend were planning on going to the movies and then getting drunk afterwards, so she asked if we wanted to go and hang out with them, and then we could get drunk together. I was really excited, but my boyfriend wanted to leave after the movie to get some ice. That made me kind of mad, but what really pissed me off was I said, "Fine, but I'm going to stay with them," and he was like, "Okay." It seems like drugs is all he cares about anymore. He always wants to smoke weed or get some ice. It pisses me off because I know he's lying about how much meth he actually does. But oh well, it's his life and he can do whatever he wants. I know, though, I can't say "I love you" to someone who seems to care more about getting high than he cares about me.

Anyway, I bought some razors today, so maybe I'll go stare at the blades and try to decide if the cuts will be healed before I go back to school. God, I wish I knew what I stood for.

1:48 p.m. - 2005-12-28

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self - destruct