All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

I cannot believe what happened on Friday night.

I know I haven't posted in forever, but I just really needed to...I don't know - confess to someone besides my best friend? Remember? Brag?

Anyway, on Friday night, my boyfriend, Liz, and I all went to the bar. Liz finally turned 21 this summer, so we've been hitting up the bars every weekend. Anyway, after drinkin' for a while, Liz and I ditched my boyfriend and walked the few blocks to our friends' apartment. We had done this once before and I had gotten hit on by this kid, Matt, that I had hung out with a few times before at Liz's place. Since he lives there, he was there again. There was kind of a party going on so we hung out and Liz played beer pong with the guys. We were both a bit drunk, and when the party started dying down she and another of the guys living there went into his room to hook up, leaving just me, Matt, and a few of the other guys in the living room. I started playing a video game and before I knew it, the party had dwindled down to just me, Matt, and maybe one other person but I don't really remember.

Anyway, like I said, I was all playin' this video game but it was kinda dumb so I got up to see what other games they had. Matt got up, too, and was informing me what games worked and what games didn't when he kissed me. And he was a damn good kisser, too. I kissed him back but when we broke apart I told him it was bad. He kinda just laughed and kissed me again.

We ended up making out for, like, two hours. We wandered into his room to check out the time and just kept making out. And I'm serious, he was a gooooood kisser. We were both getting all turned on, breathing fast and heavy, and we probably would have had sex but I kept breaking away because I was freaking out. He thought it was hilarious that I was so nervous. We were getting ready to make out again when Liz and her boy toy burst into the room to see what we were doing. I grabbed Liz and we went to the bathroom together and she told me about having sex and I told her about making out with Matt.

Eventually Liz and her boy toy went back into his room because he never came (he stopped for some dumb reason). Although this was after Liz had talked to my boyfriend and he had said he was going to be coming over soon, Matt kept kissing me out of nowhere. Once, when we were standing in the kitchen, he just shoved him up against the fridge. It was HOT! And after my boyfriend showed up, Matt kept teasing my when he wasn't looking.

I know I should feel bad, but I don't. I haven't been kissed like that in such a long time. And he's a better kisser than my boyfriend. That's bad, I know, but true. It was so passionate and spur of the moment and...

I don't really consider it cheating. It was just kissing. I didn't touch him. He touched me, on my breasts and between my legs, but only over my clothes and, well, wouldn't I feel bad if it was cheating? Besides, I don't feel the same way about my boyfriend as I used to, and I haven't for a long time. He actually kind of annoys me sometimes. I used to want him all the time but now I'm just not that interested. It reminds me a lot of Liz and her ex-boyfriend. But at the same time I don't want to give up that thought that maybe someday we'll get married.

Can I have my cake and eat it, too?

11:58 p.m. - 2008-09-02

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

self - destruct