All that I have found in reason, is reason just to not believe

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Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

Wow, I have not written in FOREVER!! Before I had a computer I was always in the lab, reading other diaries and keeping up for the most part on my own. But now, I haven't even been keeping up on my favorite diary (you know who you are and, if you don't, you should!). Anyway, things have been going okay here. I hovered around the same weight for a while, but now I'm really getting back into watching what I eat and exercising. I'm so sick of being fat.

Last week was fall break. Went home, smoked some pot, got drunk once, and cleaned the house. My boyfriend is working two jobs now so I sat around at home most of the time but I am def. a homebody so I did not mind at all. I actually enjoyed it, to be honest :) My mom really enjoyed it as well, even though she was working most of the time I was at home. But she got to see me more than usual, so...

We drank last night. I wasn't even planning on it, but one of my roommates and two of her friends wanted to get drunk and asked me to have a drink with them. So I drank about a cup and a half of vodka and gatorade and, because I'm restricting and I've turned into a lightweight, I started buzzing. Then I drank so Kaluah and milk because my roommate decided she didn't want it, then two cups of grape vodka with Sierra Mist and Sweet and Sour mix, one shot of vodka, and some whiskey with Pepsi. And it was all in about an hour, an hour and a halfI was FUCKED UP!!! lol. But seriously, I was so drunk. I called Liz and talked to her for, like, an hour. I kept laughing at everything. I finally went to sleep around 2 and didn't get up until almost 9 this morning so I had to hurry and get ready to go to class. I didn't realize how much I drank until this morning. My tummy was so upset. Thankfully, I only had two classes, but in my abnormal psych class we're talking about substance abuse and dependence and of course we were talking about alcohol today. It was wonderful. Then I was supposed to work from 1-3, but I went in and said I didn't feel well so they told me to go home and get some rest :) So I came back and slept from around 2 until around 6. When I woke up I felt much better.

So, I've pretty much just been hanging out in my room all night, watching TV and messin' around on the computer. I also talked to Tegan for, like, 3 1/2, 4 hours. It was pretty nice. And now I am exhausted so I think I'm going to try to go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll try and catch up on some diaries, but I've got to look at all my classes and see what's going to be due when. I've got some projects due at some point for three or four of my classes and I'm not sure when they're due so I don't want to leave it all until the last minute because they're pretty big projects and it will be impossible to try and do them all at once, like I usually do.

Oh, but before I go, guess what I did on Wednesday? There was a 'freshman transitions' thing, presented by some people at the counseling center with a powerpoint and then at the end there was a panel of upperclassmen so the freshmen could ask questions about how they transitioned and anything that we might know that they might not. I sat on the panel. Considering I was cutting myself freshmen year and got into trouble I'm probably one of the worst people to give advice on how to transition from high school to college but oh well. I enjoyed it and the freshmen actually kind of got into it. The people who did the presentation tried to make it as enjoyable as possible and the freshmen actually asked questions at the end. There were two sessions and they had to cut both of them short because of time even though there were still hands up. It was worthwhile, I think.

And one more thing - I'm part of this group and the exec for the group is a senior and I just think he is so cute. I don't know why, but I just want to do dirty things to him. One of my roommates in the group with me and everytime we have a meeting I always talk about him afterwards. She jokes that she's going to tell my boyfriend and him as well. I'm like, "DO IT!" hehe. Liz and Tegan both actually told me to go for it, but 1) I couldn't do that to my boyfriend even though he would probably never find out and 2) I don't think I could have sex with anyone else because I worry about what I look like naked because of my weight and my scars. So I don't know what I'll do if my boyfriend and I ever break up. It's nice to dream, though!

12:29 a.m. - 2007-10-27

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self - destruct